I was suicidal.
I hated myself.
I hated everybody.
Yes, that was no joke. When I thought of it now, I believed it was crazy. But I’ve been there. Then, it was the only solution. I believed no one wanted me. I doubted myself. I denied every beautiful thing I carry. My family didn’t know I encountered these monsters circling my shoulders telling me to give up and let myself in.
It occurred to me many times I lose count. It’s mad, I know. But this is a serious situation, fighting a competition between what you believe in and where your mind believes to go. Confused, even, if what you know is the right thing to do anymore.
I don’t know.
Once, I didn’t want to see myself anymore. Not in this situation. Not in this world. I’ve thought of creating my own space. Cornered in a wall with no one but my monster friends. Talking to myself, asking why do I need to keep on living if no one wants me here anyway? I was happy. Or was I?
I saw God.
He was not what I expect Him to be. He is in disguise. I saw a light. No, I was not dead. But that warm hug I felt, made me realize I do have worth. I forgot that I wanted to disappear completely with my own emotions. It was exchanged with happy thoughts. I’m glad I encountered Him.
It’s the best thing that happened to me. There’s so much more than what I thought I was going through. It’s not a very beautiful memory, I can tell. But I hope everyone finds the light I saw. Even if what you feel is more than what I went through.